Alpha’s Badass Mate novel

---- The illusion shatters into millions of particles , and yet it's impossible to believe it. It feels surreal and insane. But he's not here. She curls up on the floor, ignores the tears, ignores her thoughts, and ignores the pain. Why won't he come?

She flings a glass against the wall, drunk and shouting at herself, at someone who hasn't been there for her in over two years-someone she loathes, resents, and hates, like no one else, like she didn't know she could hate a person, not one she loved, like she didn't know she could love. And why and for what? When, in hindsight, she's never been anyone special , been taken for granted , toyed with, or used? Was she only good enough when she was out of reach?

Was she that awful, forgettable, and stupid? How could she believe in his love and let herself love beyond reason? But that's all gone now-all crumbled and burned and broken and buried. She keeps telling herself that it is, but then catches herself staring at the door, her mind playing tricks on her as she sees it opening and her beloved, detested face appearing. She yells at the door, throws a pillow its way, and ---- holds herself desperately, begging for it all to stop and to leave her be.

It gets easier with time; breakdowns happen less frequently ; she gets used to a certain soreness in her stomach permanently ; she gets used to dreams she shakes off instantly when she wakes, refusing to acknowledge or think any more of them. It gets easier. But when it does wash over her without giving him a chance to defend and throw up her walls, it's as excruciating as the first few times, crippling her as she curls into a ball and sobs and shakes her body. But she won't come.

But Monika really didn't do anything; it's not her fault. She didn't die because of her Why? Why didn't her pal believe her? It's the unbearable inability of her mind to accept the truth, even though she saw it with her own eyes. It's the wholehearted belief and trust she felt for him, gave to him, and got back in pieces. She gave him everything she was-her body, her heart and soul, her belief. Even her life. Because she trusted they would share it and live it together.

It's the constant inward struggle, fighting herself, her ---- weak, wretched hope. When it's all wiped out, how can there still be anything at all left? She's so exhausted , tired, and raw that she doesn't feel like a person anymore , thinking it must be the most wicked ploy to hurt her. To get over a broken heart, you have to fall in love again. She's heard it a hundred times from her friends, yet the sheer thought of getting to know someone and opening herself up makes her sick. Never again.

At least she'l] have a hundred reasons to hate and blame him; her anger is all that fuels her and gets her through another day sometimes. Sometimes it's her brother , never letting him drive them away, no matter how hard she runs, pushes, and yells. He stay. She realizes she's grateful eventually , when other emotions get an opportunity to come to the surface again. She vows to treat him better, and she abuses only herself. Some days she feels numb, which is a gratifying relief.

Some days, she thinks rationally and accepts. It works on those days. She doesn't know why, or why, on most other days, it just won't. Career comes first; she works herself stupid, uncaring , craving distraction , exhaustion , and the nights she falls unconscious when her head hits the pillow, the couch, or even her desk.