Alpha’s Badass Mate novel

---- endured so much, worked himself sick, and kept going. Monika didn't really have a clue about how severe and grueling the situation was back then, because Sam told her the basics, nothing more, and Monika accepted it because at least she finally knew and was content with that, relieved even. But how could she feel relief over Sam's sacrifices and torments? How could he be this ignorant?

Monika doesn't ever want to, but she remembers how dreadful and grievous she felt during their time apart, torn and strung out, sometimes to the point of near passing out, and imagining Sam felt the same, even worse, existentially strained because of his mother, because of an impossible situation that kept worsening because of Monika not knowing anything about it, tears him apart.

Monika never understood the immense impact all of this had on Sam before, not like this, not like right in this moment, every protection, blindness, ignorance, and avoidance were gone, leaving him with the bare, devastating reality. He was literally trapped in another place, but even more so, in fear, in constant worries, and in obligations he couldn't ever have given to someone else because the guilt would have destroyed him, but Monika ended up being his destruction anyway.

---- He spots the notes about his message to Monika ; he even kept track of that, and he wrote to her so often that Monika didn't know, and though it wasn't her fault, it doesn't spare him from the agonizing assault, made worse by the note of the date of her flight home and his words: Make her forgive you no matter what it takes. She doubles up in pain, holding her stomach with both arms, fighting for breath. She ends up curled on the floor next to the box, its contents strewn on the floor.

o Sam adds the finishing touches to his special meal for Monika, smiling at it with satisfaction and loving getting to witness Monika finding enjoyment in eating again when it's been such an ordeal for him for years. Sam is also trying very hard to stop blaming himself for everything . He heads upstairs , eager to make her come down to taste it.

The past few weeks he's been officially living here with her have been the happiest of his entire life, and he feels almost like a new person altogether , waking up energetic and whole, with a sense of elation instead of anxiety, every day, finally letting the realness of it through with unshakable certainty. He almost rushes past the open door, stops in his tracks, and turns back, shaking him into motion, ---- falling to his knees next to Monika on the floor.

His first thought was that his chronic pain must be the cause, but when he looks at her face, eyes open, unseeing, unblinking, red-rimmed with unshed tears, he knows it's something else, something worse. He suddenly notices the box and the drawings , and his face is drained of all color. Oh no, no no. Why did you have to find these? He grabs them, pushes them back into the box, the lid on top, and gives it a push away, shoving his memories off, too.

He gathers Monika into his arms, lifting her legs over his own lap, holding her close, rocking her softly, and humming into her hair. He has no idea what to do and is helpless and guilt - stricken for not throwing this out immediately when he realized what the box was, but the damage is done, abrupt and unforgiving , kicking his best intentions and wishes of nothing but happiness for them to hell.

Asudden, barely there touch on his side startles him, finding Monika awake, her eyes a little more vivid, tears glistening inside, but still not falling. Sam caresses her cheek, cups her jaw, and gently lifts her face a little, his eyes coming to rest on him. She looks so sad, it's soul-splitting. "Hey." Sam is scared to say too much, to say the wrong things, and to screw up even worse than he already has.